At the beginning of this summer, I knew I needed to make a change in my exercise and eating habits. I decided that this was the summer I was going to finally work towards living a healthier lifestyle. This was the summer I was going to curb my sugar cravings. This was the summer that I would finally feel good about my body.
And the results so far? I have.
For the first time ever, I can do a pushup. I am working out six days per week. I am not restricting. I am fueling myself with nutritious food. I am sleeping as much as I can. I am not binging. And, most importantly, I am treating my body with love and patience. But the truth is, I’m anxious every single day because of it and the reason for that? My blog/business.
Last summer (2016), I worked nine hours at my internship and came home and did blog work for six. Every. Single. Day. As a result of this work, my traffic was exploding and my blog was expanding. Still, I wasn’t taking care of myself and I was putting everything above my mental and physical health. I was eating Ben & Jerry’s for dinner, working 80-90 hour weeks and never mind exercise—that was never a part of my routine. I gained weight, lost confidence and all around didn’t love the life I was living. I was tired all the time and I no longer felt like myself. My business was thriving but I wasn’t happy.
I knew that I couldn’t repeat that. I knew I needed to live a healthier life. So, this summer, I decided that I was going to make that my primary goal. I’ve completely changed my habits from last summer and am healthier than ever.
My current evening routine looks a little like this: I get home from my internship around 5:00 or 6:00 PM. After my 1.5-2 hour commute, the last thing I want to do is put on my gym clothes. But I do. Dani and I work out together for 45 minutes to an hour and then we shower, make dinner, eat dinner and clean up after dinner. By this point, it is usually 10:00 PM and we are both exhausted. Since we have to get up around 6:00 AM, we usually both go to bed. This is our evening routine and has been for the last month.
So why am I anxious? Why, when I am doing all the things that are supposed to make me happy and healthy (eating nutritious meals, sleeping and exercising) making me stressed and anxious? Because I am still acting like my own worst enemy.
I am the one being hard on myself for only publishing here two to three times per month as opposed to ten. I am the one getting angry at myself for not posting more on social media. I am the one picking apart my business and yelling at myself ‘you are not enough.’
But the reality? I AM enough and I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be right now. I am finally prioritizing my health. I am finally setting down my laptop and working towards a stronger body. I am trading exercise for blog time. I am prioritizing myself. And that is OK.
I’ve decided for the rest of this summer, I need to say goodbye to those guilty feelings. Even though it is my baby and labor of love, my business is not and should never be more important than my physical and mental health. This is just a little reminder that it is easy to be your own worst enemy and it is even easier to put everyone and everything before yourself. Remember: you are enough and you are allowed to take care of yourself.